Hedgehogs and Snapping Turtles But No Unicorns
by whitchry9
Summary: Or, the day Sherlock was drugged with hallucinogens. Written in text style with me as Sherlock and my friend ThatCassidyGirl as John.


JOHN HAMISH WATSON. I do believe I have been drugged. -SH

Sorry. Was on a date and had my mobile off. You've been drugged? Were you doing experiments with yourself as the test subject again? Because we talked about that. - JW

Nope. Not me this time. It is rather interesting though, so I've been taking notes. Which one is it this time? -SH

Dare I ask? ...Alright who drugged you? And do you need Lestrade or an ambulance? - JW

And 'which one' what? - JW

Oh neither. It's a hallucinogen so no really harmful effects unless I decide to listen to the singing hedgehogs. Which girlfriend? -SH

The hedgehogs gave me their mobile number but seem undecided as to if I should call them. -SH

Ah. Singing hedgehogs. Excellent. Can you keep them at bay a while longer? Anthea and I were going to catch a show. - JW

Ah. Have you figured out her real name yet? And do try to convince her not to text during it, I've been told that annoys people. -SH

We haven't quite...reached that point in our relationship, but we'll get there. Soon. I hope. And she doesn't text all the time! Just..often. - JW

John. What is the protocol for dealing with spiders? -SH

Uhm...squash it? Why? - JW

Right. Like the earth rotates ' all the time'. And just curious. Is there any sort of test to determine if the spider is real or not? -SH

Is it speaking? - JW

Don't be ridiculous. Spiders don't speak. Did you know that bumblebees don't have vocal cords? -SH

And apparently spiders don't either. -SH

Call Mrs. Hudson. She can take care of the spider for you. And really? I'll be sure to remember that for if I ever get on 'University Challenge'.

I don't want to endanger Mrs Hudson's life. Why do we have a snapping turtle anyway? -SH

Sherlock, I'll be back in an hour or so, and I'll find the snapping turtle a nice home when I get there, okay? I don't want to blow this chance with Anthea. Or whatever her name is. Call Lestrade if you want. Or better yet, Anderson. His is a life you could risk, am I right?

Good point. But what if they do a drugs bust!? And it's not even my fault! And I deduced the turtle wasn't real, but I put it in the bathtub to be safe. -SH

Maybe if you told me what exactly happened, I could be a little more helpful. And perhaps you should stay sitting down as much as possible. No wandering about...no matter how badly the unicorns want you to come with them. - JW

John don't be preposterous. Unicorns don't exist and there are none in our flat. Oh. There's a man here now. He looks rather comical even more so than Anderson. -SH

If it's that picture of me again, the joke's gotten pretty old. The long hair was cool back then, okay? - JW

Is there really a person in the flat? Do I need to come home? - JW

Oh no. Not your picture. This one's talking. Another hallucination no doubt. Except... Mrs Hudson said hello to him. But I could have hallucinated her saying hello to him. After the penguins anything is possible. -SH

If it's that picture of me again, the joke's gotten pretty old. The long hair was cool back then, okay? - JW

Is there really a person in the flat? Do I need to come home? - JW

Oh no. Not your picture. This one's talking. Another hallucination no doubt. Except... Mrs Hudson said hello to him. But I could have hallucinated her saying hello to him. After the penguins anything is possible. -SH

The...penguins. Yes. Okay. Not good. What is this man saying? - JW

He's not so much using words... Not in any language I know anyway. Which is saying a bit. -SH

Can you figure out what he wants? If you deduce that he's not real either, then feel free to put him in the bathtub with the snapping turtle, okay? - JW

He seems rather resistant to that idea.-SH

-.- Invite him to have a seat. I'm coming home. - JW

In your chair? NO! He will crush the baby hedgehogs! -SH

The hedgehogs will be fine. I'm in a bit of a jam right now...traffic here is bloody awful. I'll be a while coming back. What is he doing now? - JW

Jam. Like actual jam? What flavour?- SH

Oh. He's pacing. I wouldn't let him sit in your chair. He seemed annoyed with that. -SH

Strawberry. Of course not real jam! I mean the traffic is congested. Now try to focus...do that thing when you're all clever and figure out what he wants. - JW

Clever? JOHN! I am insulted. I am always clever. I could outclever you in my sleep, on the rare occasion it does occur. And he seems to want me to go with him. Although I am hesitant to leave my chair for fear of stepping on some small creatures, or perhaps disappearing into the quicksand. It likely doesn't exist, but better safe than sorry.- SH

Your level of humility is really quite staggering as well...mustn't forget that! But let's back up a bit, okay? How exactly did you end up like this? I mean, who drugged you?! - JW

Oh. Right. That. Inconsequential. Although I suspect it has something to do with the biscuits I ate, assuming they were from Mrs Hudson. They weren't. They were rather good though. -SH

Wait. So somebody broke into our flat, didn't take anything, and left drugged biscuits. So anybody from a criminal mastermind to a disturbed fan, then? - JW

Oh they didn't break into the flat. You left the door unlocked when you left. -SH

BECAUSE YOU WERE IN IT! - JW

I hardly see how that's relevant. -SH

Okay. So at point did you leave the flat? Maybe we can get some of Speedy's surveillance tapes to find out who it was. In the meantime, can you tell me more about the man? What does he look like? - JW

I didn't leave the flat. Why would I leave?

And why could you possibly want to know what my hallucination looks like? Contrary to popular belief, hallucinations do not reveal unconscious thoughts. (Nor do dreams, but that is an entirely different matter.) -SH

How did the biscuits get in the flat then?! And I wasn't attempting to psychoanalyze you, I was trying to avoid having you anger a man who might be standing in my house. Okay, try this. How do you know that I am real? - JW

Someone came by and dropped them off. I couldn't be bothered to find out who.

And I don't know you are real. I don't know anything other than my own existence. But given the fact that the other people I have categorized as 'real' interact with you, it's a safe bet. -SH

Like Mrs. Hudson. And you said Mrs. Hudson greeted this person. Which means that we can deduce...? - JW

I already noted that I may have hallucinated her interaction. I have been drugged remember? -SH

I think we should err on the side of safety and operate under the assumption that he is real. Just to be polite. And so he doesn't get violent and injure you. - JW

Always so cautious. Anything else you feel obligated to force me into doing? -SH

I would say the dishes, but I figure that's a lost cause. Just tell me what he looks like to start. - JW

Boring. Unintelligent. Dull. -SH

Oh. So it's just Mycroft, then? - JW

DON'T tell him I said that! - JW

Oh, wouldn't dream of it. And no, it's not my brother. If it was, I would have mentioned he was in need of dieting. -SH

Oh yes. Of course. So his physical characteristics are: Boring. Unintelligent. Dull. Wonderful. Does he have anything with him? - JW

It appears to be a picnic basket, but is more likely a medical kit. Can't imagine why though... -SH

So a doctor. Not THE Doctor though, I'm assuming. Has he got a long, multi-coloured scarf on or a screwdriver-type object as well? - JW

Sorry. Telly reference. - JW

I am aware of the reference. You force me to watch it. -SH

IT'S A GOOD SHOW! - JW

I have come to the conclusion that he does in fact exist. -SH

Ah. And how did we reach that point? - JW

He injected me with something. Pain is not something you would hallucinate. And it was going so well until now... -SH

Sherlock, fight him! I'm almost there. Just don't let him take you anywhere, and do NOT let go of your mobile. - JW

It's a muscle relaxant john. oh. it may be diffucult to ressits. dont be shocked if i am uncscoius and notbreathing when your arrive hime. but I took care of him. hurrrrry -SH

The Science of Deduction

Experiments with drugs: Hallucinogens

First off, to note, I was drugged against my own will. It was not an experiment. So there is no need to conduct a drugs bust or send me to rehab. (Ahem. Mycroft. Lestrade.)

So while my experiences were very informative, I simply don't have time to draft a long explanation.

Contrary to popular belief, hallucinations do not reveal unconscious thoughts. I did see a lot of animals in the flat, including hedgehogs, which were singing, snapping turtles, and penguins. There were not any unicorns because unicorns don't exist.

However the man that was in the flat was real and led to my second new drug experience.

Experiments with drugs: Muscle Relaxants Paralytics

John informed me that I was actually drugged with paralytics, which explains the respiratory failure. Don't worry, it was brief and my brilliant mental faculties are still intact.

Although John could have been a little quicker coming to my rescue. Paralytics do not sedate you, so I was fully conscious and unable to breathe. A bit not good.

For more information about our latest exploits, visit John's blog.

From the Blog of John H. Watson:

Yesterday was an average day at 221B Baker Street. I got up, had some tea, read the paper. Had a shower, climbed into a jumper and jeans. Mycroft came by, wanted a favour. Apparently CENSORED BY THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT and so CENSORED BY THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT, meaning that CENSORED BY THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT. Anyways, Sherlock was able to solve it in about thirty-eight seconds, and Mycroft left. However, as Sherlock tends to pick-pocket people he finds annoying, my flatmate ended up in possession of his brother's phone. Mycroft quickly realized and came back for it (with a rather harsh "grow up!" aimed, I think, at both of us). However, by the time Mycroft had come back, Sherlock had already memorized his entire contact list. By use of my own brilliant wit and cunning, I tricked Sherlock into giving me Mycroft's attractive assistant's number. I called her up, and she was eager to meet, so we arranged a date for dinner and a movie that night. All was going wonderfully, with my date hanging on my every word, when, not to my surprise, Sherlock Holmes texts me.

He'd been drugged apparently, by biscuits that an unknown person had left because he was too lazy to go find out who it was who was in his OWN FLAT! Anyway, after eating the aforementioned biscuits, he texted me to let me know that he was seeing various animals in the flat, some of which were singing and/or snapping. As he refused any help, I was set to go back to my date, when he informed me that a man had arrived on the scene, either in reality or as a hallucination. We debated his existence for quite some time before Sherlock was apparently injected with what turned out to be a muscle paralytic. Somehow however, before collapsing, Sherlock managed a struggle with his assailant, who ended up banging his head off the mantle place. The result was my entering a messy flat containing a flatmate with respiratory failure and a stranger with a head wound. After some quick work and a call for an ambulance, both men were well again, with the stranger in custody.


End file.
